Myrtle talks about FUCKING

Since I’m being more open and touchy-feely with my personal emotions, I thought I would talk about my sex life, if you want to call it that. Feel free to have the barf bag near by, just in case.

Actually, I feel I’m pretty cold-fish when it comes to my sex life (and according to the “Love-O-Matic” at Tortas Las Glorias, I’m definately “Cold-Fish”. My 14 year old brother, on the other hand, is “Hot Stuff”). Don’t get me wrong – I’m a HUGE fucking pervert. If it’s gross and disgusting, I’m either there or it came out of my mouth. I blame it on my upbringing – my Mother once said, “Living with your father was like living with Bob Guccione!” I mean, when the first two movies you see and understand as a child are “Porky’s” and “Up in Smoke”, that kind of says something about how you’ll grow up. Anyways….while I’ll be the first one to talk about ass fucking with a 12 inch dildo, don’t EVER think about getting anything near my Morrissey hole!

That’s right – I call my asshole my “Morrissey Hole”. That stems from me going around telling people “I’m saving my anal virginity for Morrissey!”. No fucking way is anything going up my asshole – HELLO?? That’s where poop comes out of! (See? We all have a 12 year old boy inside of us). My thought on it is – “I have a perfectly good pussy. Why do you want to stick your cock in my ass?”

Speaking of pussy, I think mine is “aight”. I call it the Fun Corner, out of respect for the Fun Corner in San Bernardino, which is one of my favorite stores to shop at. And come on – Fun Corner is a great name for a pussy! You’re just mad YOU didn’t think of it. According to the last guy I fucked, my Fun Corner is still pretty tight, so I’m pleased about that. I don’t think it will ever get stretched out, because I only date and fuck nerds, and we know all nerds have a “3 inches when hard” cock – even if I do dress up as Jeri Ryan or an Orion Slave Girl. And lucky for me (well, lucky for the Jew in me) I never have to buy lube, because I’m like Niagara Falls down there. Of course when I get old and crusty I’ll have to buy the “ease” to ease on down MY road, but until then, my pussy is like Malibu after fire season.

So lets get to the word FUCKING. I’m sorry, but there is no “Making Love” – there’s only FUCKING with someone you love. Let’s call the shit what it is – “SHOPPING AT MY FUN CORNER!” Or if I actually ever get with Morrissey – “STICKING YOUR DICK IN MY ASS WHILE PRETENDING I’M A 17 YEAR OLD HISPANIC POOL BOY!” And that’s actually fine with me. I dated a guy for quite a while (and he wasn’t even my “boyfriend”) who would get mad when I would say “Let’s fuck” vs. “Let’s make love”. What I should have called it was “Hurry up and cum before Jeffrey walks in the room and my back gives out”. It’s like the only un-dated joke in Eddie Murphy’s RAW – “Would you rather have someone say to you “Oh baby, let’s make love” or “I WANT YOU TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!”" Ok then.

One thing I’ve been stressing about is finding another great lover. Let me explain – up until recently, I just didn’t give that big of a shit about sex, because I really didn’t enjoy it all the much with whatever partner I had. I put the blame on both sides – me being impossible to please and the guy usually not being very skilled. But with the last boyfriend, Jeff 2.0, it was pretty fucking amazing. Not that he had any serious skillz with a “z”, but he was perfect for ME. I don’t like fucking for too long – I’m kind of a “Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am” person, because I always have a ton of other shit to do. Believe me, I don’t like it when a guy nuts after 5 seconds, but I don’t want to last a fucking hour because my back starts hurting and I get bored. Jeff 2.0 lasted the right amount of time for me. And his dick was just the right size – not too big and not too small. I have a small mouth (physically, not verbally), so head is hard sometimes for me. Plus, why would you want to get fucked by something that’s going to rip your guts out? I dont like walking funny for two days after the FUCKING. Jeff 2.0 also liked foreplay, but just long enough. I hate being with those guys that are trying TOO hard to please you – it’s like “Ok already – LET’S FUCKING FUCK, YOU FUCK!” And he also liked to eat at the Fun Corner – I mean, HE LOVED TO EAT AT THE FUN CORNER. There were times I’d have to swat him away because I’d be trying to sleep or I just plain wasn’t in the mood. I’m weird about letting guys go down on me. It’s not that I have a bad pussy (according to Jeff 2.0, mine was delicious. Or Myrtlelicous if you want to get technical about it), but I don’t know – I just don’t feel comfortable about letting just anyone have my Tuna Helper. I guess the thing I miss the most about him was the fact he made me feel sexy. I’m such a tomboy, so I have a hard time feeling feminine or sexy, but with all of his compliments and actions, I felt attractive and desired for once. Unfortunately, that’s something I really will miss about him. One of many things.

Lets talk about chicks, man (CHICKS, MAN). Surprisingly, I’ve never been intimate with a woman. Everyone I meet is sooooo surprised I’m not a lesbian. My own family thought I was a lesbian because I wasn’t knocked up and married at age 18 like the rest of my family. The farthest I’ve gone was kissing a girl, and that was this past year, so that’s kind of pathetic. I didn’t go to college, so I didn’t get to have a girlfriend that didn’t shave her legs. I don’t think I’d have a problem being sexual with a woman – to quote Marky, “Head is head is head”. I appreciate a womans beauty, and I like tits too (Who doesn’t?). I don’t think I could have a woman as a significant other, because I’m just not emotionally and mentally attracted to women. I barely have any female friends, and the ones I do have are pretty rude and raunchy like myself. I’ve just always gotten along better with men because I have more in common with men when it comes to interests. But who knows – it’s been about 2 months since I’ve had any action, so the title of “Pillow Princess” is becoming quite appealing to me.

So enough of my bullshit about my sex life. I hope you all lost some weight, because when I had food poisoning last weekend and was puking my guts out, I lost like 5lbs.