Things That Myrtle Hates

1) People that use dirt bikes as legitimate means of transportation.

2) Fat guys that have attitude. I can’t tell you how many fat guys I’ve gone out with that had the nerve to criticize my weight. Or like the guy in the ice cream aisle at the grocery store that was blocking the aisle – he knew I needed to get by him and he just slowly grazed down the aisle. When I said “Excuse me…”, he said “Ok….” and refused to move.

3) Sitcoms that have an obnoxious, loud, brain dead, shitty jobbed fat guy with a hot wife and adorable kids.

4) People that use the ATM to do all of their real banking, holding up the line as they do so. Because we all know that checks will clear faster when you deposit them in an ATM on a Sunday afternoon!

5) People that drag their sick kids out to places because they don’t want to “alter” their plans. Case in point – Missy, Lil’ Jeff, and I were at a crowded (and I mean fucking PACKED) restaurant for breakfast on Friday morning and this kid puked all over the table and floor right next to us. And it wasn’t like “baby puke” or “too much water” puke – it was like that puke scene in the beginning of “Reflections of Evil”. And of course she made the wait staff clean it up. I can picture the scene that morning in their house:

Sick Kid: “Mommy I dont feel good – I threw upped in the toilet….”
Mom: “GOD DAMN IT! You KNOW Mommy wanted to go out for pancakes this morning!!!!!”

6) People that buy pitbulls and then still defend the dog after it chews their babies face off.

7) Women who wear crushed velvet track suits out in public. Especially if they’re matching. Especially if the women have muffin tops.

8 – People that wear pajamas out in public. I was at the car wash getting an oil change and this guy was dropping off his ginormous Tahoe or whatever in front of me. He was seriously wearing light blue pajama pants that has an “AF” on the knee (for Abercrombie & Fitch) and the number “1850″ on the ass! How fucking college girl can you get? I’m surprised he didn’t have a fucking pillow with a Tweety Bird pillow case with him.

I know there’s more things that I hate, but I’m having a brain fart moment. Don’ worry – I’m sure I’ll think of more things. After all, I pretty much hate everything (except your mom).